This will be one of the easiest posts of this 30-day challenge. There is nothing, aside from my relationship with God, more fulfilling in my life than my "current relationship." I had to grin when I typed those words because I've had more than a few relationships in my life, and "current" would have been an appropriate way to refer to any relationship I was in. I admit there was a time that I was more in love with being in love than I was with being in a relationship, and it took me a number of years and some painful choices to figure out that staying in love is really where the fun is. There are a lot of things that contributed to that unhealthy mindset that I won't go into here (maybe in another post in this challenge), but needless to say, the lesson was hard-learned and hard-earned. I was on the tail end of learning that hard lesson (ie, divorce #2) when I met Grady. Emerging from a few painful years of his own and struggling, like I was, with what he really wanted out of his life, we were quite the pair of relationship misfits. I look back now almost 9 years later and realize that we couldn't have been better suited for each other. When both people enter a relationship with humility, the right kind of seeds get planted in the right kind of soil. Neither of us felt worthy of love and both of us were astoundingly grateful to have found it in each other. Beyond that, I discovered the simple truth that if you look closely at truly successful relationships, you'll find two people who are really into each other. I can now recognize it in other marriages, and I see it in my own. It's not about how much or how little you argue, whether you agree on everything, whether you like the same things, or whether you have the perfect schedule of date nights. It's about that deep connection you have to that other person that is the underpinning of all the rest. Bottom line...I am really into my husband and he is really into me. Falling in love is the easy part. Anyone can do it, and you can do it with anyone. But staying in love is where the magic really is.
People who say that romance inevitably departs a relationship and it's what you have left that defines your marriage are missing the point of it all. When we make our vows at the altar, we're not just committing to "stick around." We're committing to love and to cherish. Those speak to an attitude of the heart, not just a decision of the will. I realize that there are a lot of marriages out there that will technically make it because of an unwavering commitment to stay, but that's a far cry from an unwavering commitment to stay in love. To stay takes endurance, but to stay in love takes so much more.
The Top 10 things I've learned about staying in love from my "current relationship" are:
- My passion for my point of view should never override my passion for my husband.
- Falling in love with your children does not mean falling out of love with your husband.
- Sex and intimacy are critical to a joyful marriage. Despite what wives often think, God didn't create sex for men. He created it for the marriage. That means it's important, you shouldn't forsake it, and your relationship will suffer without it.
- Nothing I'm doing is more important then greeting my husband when he comes home. No matter what I'm doing, I stop and go to the door (or sometimes even to the driveway) to show him how happy I am that he is home. He gets a long, passionate kiss and is told how much he was missed. Every single time.
- Like Newton's law, love in motion tends to stay in motion. Most married couples fall "out of love" because they let love lose its momentum. Reconnecting after long periods of disconnect takes way more emotional effort than just staying connected from the beginning.
- The same things that were important when you were falling in love are important when you're staying in love. Kisses in the movie theater, holding hands in the grocery store, a sexy wink, the extra effort to look amazing - all mean just as much (maybe more!) when you're married than when you were dating.
- Respect is like sexy in a bottle. I'm never more "into" my husband than when he is doing things that engender my deepest respect, and because I know this, I look for those things because they truly stoke my passion for him. If you dwell on the fact that your husband doesn't have six-pack abs or won't take out the garbage, you'll miss the strong, competent way he handles your household finances or counsels your children or performs his job. If you struggle with this, get out and watch your husband in action - at work, on the ballfield, in his Sunday ministry, somewhere that he truly excels and takes your breath away. It's important for you to see his strengths because that builds respect and respect deepens love and love builds connection. This may be my most important tip and I probably should have put it at #1.
- Never assume anything about your relationship. Love is never "a given." Your husband's heart needs daily attention from you, and yours needs daily attention from him. Leaving love notes, sending sexy text messages, and waking your spouse up in the middle of the night just to make love may seem like suggestions from a corny love coupon, but they are worth the effort. And yes, I do all of those things - and best of all, I do them because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.
- Spend more time with your husband than you do anyone else. This is a tough one. Jobs, kids, ministries, and friends have a way of stealing all of our time. Too often our husbands get the last scraps of time and attention we have left. I don't have a lot of control over my work hours or over the time we spend with our kids, but I've learned to make time with my husband a frequent and important part of my life - not just a date night we tentatively schedule for two weeks from now. If that means foregoing time out with friends or saying no to one more volunteer commitment or forcing myself to push back from my desk and walk away from my work, then that's what it means. You may need to start reciting this in your head, "He is more important than all of those things put together." If you can't say that about your husband, you have a problem.
- Pray. Often. Together. This is likely the most important of all. For Grady and I, our shared faith in and commitment to God is the glue that binds us, but we have also come to recognize that when we come to Him as a couple and put our marriage and our lives in His hands, not only are we drawn closer to Him, but we are drawn closer to each other in the process. "A three-vessel cord is not easily broken." There are probably no truer words in the Bible when it comes to marriage.
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